I decided not to participate, felt like had no voice, I got in a lot of trouble at school but somehow never really affected my grades. I felt alone, I struggle on answering questions for my brothers who thought our parents didn't love us, I met a boy who I toughed was going to be the love of my life, I fight with my grandmother about everything, I discover Alcohol, I went to the city on an adventure to find my brother's dad, we found him nothing had change he was still the same loser, my brother's didn't even care for him.
I stole all the Garcia Marque'z books from my school's library before graduation, I never got caught, I went on adventures and road trips with friends, My brothers and I went to our first and last soccer game at the Estadio Jalisco to watch our favorite team, that summer was the greatest. One Friday morning I came home after a sleepover and my grandma told me it was time I was supposed to catch a fly the next Thursday to finally see my mom after five long years.
I wasn't ready, I didn't want to live my family, friends my culture behind, for all I care I hated The United States, I didn't speak a word of English, and one more thing the worst of all I was supposed to live my five year old brother Diego behind, ten years later I still have nightmares about leaving him.
August 8 of 2003 I woke up at 4:00 in the morning, I had only one hour to get ready before the taxi arrived, my Grandma keep giving me instructions or I think that's what they were, I just now that there was a lot of talking and the only thing on my mind was poor little Diego sleeping and then waking up without us, the taxi arrived exactly on time my Grandpa was the first one to get in, Angel run to Diego's room to kiss him Good Bye, I couldn't get myself to do it, I remember being scared of waking him up and then having to explain to him that I was living him too.
My Grandma hug me, kiss me and told me to never forget where I came from, once I got on the cab my Grandpa told us not to look back, We didn't.
I saw my mom for the first time in five years outside a gas station around 3:00 am, she look shorter than I remember her but just as beautiful, I didn't now what to do, she run and hug me, I felt safe once I was on her arms. Once home we did nothing but talk, our first breakfast was McDonald's that was amazing for us that we could afford that, right after breakfast Sebastian woke up my 3 year old bother, man he was beautiful he had the best hair and his face would just melt you, he keep calling Angel sister.
I saw the rest of my family that day for lunch, I hadn't see uncles and aunts for years, and it was the first time meeting all of my cousins, the day after lunch my mom had to work, my job was going to be to take care of my brothers.
We visited a Walmart for the first time, Angel discover waffles, I discover the mall, I tough maybe the move wasn't so bad, I started school with a full scheduled and not a word of English, I met my best friend Elizabeth. After school Angel and I would walk to my mom's job to help her out she worked in a little Mexican store.
I started missing my friends back home, I would scream at my mom every chance I got telling her that I wanted to go back, I felt like I didn't fit in anywhere, my school was full of white rich people, I wasn't white and I wasn't rich, I was the daughter of a really hard working woman that had to work two jobs to support us and I didn't own a pair of UGG's.
Little by little my English started getting better, my grades started to improve, I met new friends some of them white, I started dating a guy who made my life miserable, who told me I was fat pretty much everyday and made fun of my poor English, one day he got tired of me and broke up with me I walked home, it was a long walk, I was crushed.
I started going out and drinking, I had my first cigarette, I skipped school, I started struggling with eating disorders, I will fight with my poor mother everyday, I was extremely mad at the world and I didn't even know why. I started my first job, working was good for me, I was a hostess for a restaurant and a couple months later I had two jobs, I was tired all the time so I started skipping school even more.
My life was falling into pieces, my eating disorder took over me, my weight loss was obvious, but I always had a good excuse for my mom not to worried, I barely remember my junior year of high school, I only remember starving myself, hating my body, smoking too much and always being cold.
On the first day of my Senior year, my mom drop me off at school, I waited for her to live and got out from the same door she saw me go in. A friend was waiting for me outside school, I told her I was going to run away, my plan was a bit different. I took several pills while she was putting gas, I am not really sure what happen after that, I woke up on a hospital, I saw my purse grabbed it and run away from the hospital, I run and then I walked and then I toughed about my brothers, I went home, the police was there. My mother had found my diaries and they were scared that I was going to do something stupid.
I took a couple days from school, while I was home I found a note on my diary that said, "I don't want you to died, Love Angel." things change after that, I told my mom I wanted to switch schools she wasn't very thrilled so she ask me to try one more time, walking the hallways of the freaking school made me sick, I just didn't belong there, I switch schools not to a better school but an alternative high school, one that was good for me.
My job was going good, school was awesome, I was eating again, I met the most interesting people at school, teachers were great and I was really looking forward to graduate and to become and inspiration for my brothers. I graduated a semester earlier than my friends and they picked me, out of everybody to give the honor speech, all my friends from the other school where there and my grandma had flew all the way from Mexico too see me.
Right after graduation I got a job at forever21, two months later I was a visual merchandiser for them and I was barely eighteen. I was drawing everyday and doing something that I really love, life was good.
I made my decision to not go to college when I was a junior, I remember my mom being very upset for a while but after a little bit she let it go, I don't know why I took the decision, I think it's because I didn't want people to tell me what to do and at the same time I think I was afraid of not fitting in just like high school.
This is getting to be a really BIG post and I don't want to bored everybody, I don't want you to stop reading my blog just because I'm putting it all out there but I really felt like this post was necessary for my soul, so keep reading just a little more, you know I kept the Forever21 job for a couple years, got my own apartment on Sherman Hill way before the hipsters started to move there, I party like a rockstar before I was twenty-one with a really good fake, I relapsed into anorexia a couple times, move back with my mother because I was scarely skinny, found a new job, became a vegetarian, met the love of my life but at the time I didn't know he was (today I'm married to him) party a lot more, did my first fashion show under the name Laura Rodriguez, I was on the cover of every Latino newspaper in Des Moines, started dating Amner, we were in love but we had a very complicated relationship, I knew he was the love of my life so I hung on to him even at times when he didn't, I worked for David's bridal and I was a server at the same time, I worked really hard most of the times two jobs, to be able to live on my own and to pay for my fashion design dream.
The rest is easy, I got pregnant on 2010, I was twenty-two just like my mother when she had me, I got the surprise of my life when they told me I was having twins, Azul and Luca were born on January, 2011 and even thoug this is going to sound like a cliche, they did change my life completely, I had a couple fashion shows after the kids were born, my passion for fashion design is incredibly big but I have never think of it as a business I simply love to create clothes, I have barely make money out of it, I actually had to serve tables on the weekends to be able to afford my dream, I am very lucky to have a husband that has believe in me even when I haven't believe in myself.
At the moment I am a stay home mom, I take care of my children, I cooked meals everyday and I make sure that I make our home a happy place for them, my dream still there so I do things to keep it alive, I just started a line of recycled cardboard toys and fun accessories for kids called Azul my plan is to add clothes very soon.
I know I have hurt my body and my family before, I know I haven't made a lot of good decisions in life but those decisions took me exactly where I was supposed to be, right here in my little green house with orange doors living a very simple life with my husband and monsters.
Life fucking sucks sometimes, trust me I learn the hard way, but twenty-five years later, I am very sure that everything that steps on my way I know how to handle, because I am a very strong woman with a huge family and a very few friends that have my back.
I hope I didn't bored you but my heart really need it to vent.
LOVE!
Laura.
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